“But then, this would mean, that perhaps the truest measure of ourselves is ourselves. For how will men, who are susceptible, no, who do not have a choice most of the time but to believe what they see or hear, know your heart.
So then, if we need a better of ourselves, we have to daily struggle to question our hearts. To implore our conscience and judgment to life. To live others. To forget self. To believe in the discomfort of our own judgment”
The last six times we have spoken, I have always been motivated by many things. Sometimes hate, sometimes disappointment, sometimes threads of disillusionment. Today, as I sit down to start writing, I do not have any particular emotion. From a far, there are tingles of gratefulness, fatigue, acceptance, disappointment; there are threads of self satisfaction, an anxiety but in a big way; a feeling of learning.
As you know, in the history of our twofold life, I have never ended a conversation without a conclusion. Recall those times when I retreat to talk to self, or to question my ideas? I have always endeavored to conclude our talk. Because whenever I confide in you, without ever finishing it, it sets endless emptiness.
I have published four of our conversations; three remain in the secrecy of our twofold. I know at the right time, they will be released. To a people who, as I stated when we started, will interpret them through their own scales. I have always found extreme relief in the candor we share. And so today, I intend to share with you again; a pursuit of that same relief, seeking the strength of renewal. Perhaps, like I am coming to believe, a confirmation that one face of my journey is done, and I have to start again.
The sixth conversation was lessons. I wrote then, having been taught by you to know the emptiness that follows a raw pursuit of ambition. Then you taught me life, that trueness of life lives in value of people. I feel like this chat will have an uncharacteristic detachment. For here, I want to talk to you about the intricacies of opportunity, the confusions that chance brings when it happens. Actually, my feeling was wrong, there won’t be a detachment, it’s a realization that the idealism I once nurtured has been molded by experience, to be stronger.
So what is this end that I anticipate? Of course, I have had one invaluable year of service to my peers. Of course, I have had four years of schooling. Of course, I have had a season of making decisions. That comes to an end with unexpected transition to more challenge, to further schooling. Such is a moment of self evaluation.
I must stop the free flow of my thoughts and look back. Well, it has been a fascinating year. Two very important things happened to me since we last spoke; I understood my values as a person better. And I found love. So idealistic again. What, the encounter with extreme realities have failed to make me a realist. This gives me a sense of satisfaction and dissatisfaction. Satisfaction in knowing that I still have a root to what formed the root of struggles, but also a dissatisfaction in knowing that I was unable to transition to what my raw mind believes is a better life.
Life, a year ago, I took an oath of office. It was the second time I was swearing to take a responsibility. I will not dwell here on my encounters at office, for that very oath bounds me to secrecy. I will not dwell here on my own view of the year or the view of others. I have countless fond memories of that year and countless sad memories. I am unimaginably enthralled by multiple bits of joy, but unimaginably tied to countless bits of disappointment.
For a year, I have had a chance to see someone walk to me with their hopes pegged to the very words I would say. In my inexperience, I got confused countless moments. It is always the desire of each leader to solve each issue that comes your way. But what an unfortunate desire it is.
At first, I recall the times I would go home in a thousand pieces. Each concern would take a bit of me. Then I got shaken in knowing that I each day I may have to disappoint. Thank God for Gabriel, he made me know one thing.
Human beings, no matter the problem they face, always have a solution with themselves. And in the business of leading, the best and most sacred thing to do is to inspire that solution.
So where is my friend Erick; the person who embodied this lesson. I think I passed him on stairs in the haste that now is my life.
I have come to learn, that perhaps the greatest duty of a leader is to listen. How paradoxical, the illusion could be that as a leader you speak, and get listened to. But whenever one does that, all you get is an echo of your talk as it bounces against the many issues that will always be with the people.
Indeed, listening is an art that plays magic. In most instances, when you listen to people, what they want they confess themselves. So I had to conquer the fear of being unable to listen because I may not help. I had to believe that well, I would listen and hope that solutions would curve themselves. I do not know whether it is too early to conclude, but maybe the greatest lesson I have today is that the greatest leader is he who can be led easily. Again; Ideal. He who will be listened to is he who listens. Again; ideal. But I also learnt, that listening is the boldest step anyone would take, for men are so wired to listen to what they like, but, mostly what you listen to will never be what you like.
I need to go back to the streams of my thoughts.
About the revelation of myself to me, and about the defiance to become a realist. You see, chance is one crazy thing. You seek it, so hard, then it happens, often with curtailing realities. But I guess it is nature’s way of ensuring we keep being at it. That we will never be satisfied. For again as I said, satisfaction breeds stagnation.
Life, I would like to really wonder as to what men should do in living with others. You see, when I say am just a man, it means my confidence gets pumped up when a brother walks with me. It means It shrinks when a brother walks me. Yet, in life, so many times you are walked.
Indeed I know why. Men are burden by their own struggles to have time to think of what they see or hear. So they buy what they are told. It is not an entirely bad thing. Industries have been born out of this void; industries of people whose work is to create perception. How sorry, I wish we all bothered to question, a lot more would be different.
But such will always be impossible. For the world must also be founded on a certain level of trust. And that, perhaps means a certain level of not questioning. Such is a paradox of what is right in life.
As I question myself more, I realize the complexity of what is universally right is so simple. The paradox has two different ends. Competing, conflicting, all right in differing context. I guess, the easiest revelation that man should know then, is that right is in the balancing. In the knowing the time, the season and the reason. That right is in being of pure intent and facing reality as that, reality. That principle and value is not exemplified in absolute rigidity, but being rigid as to know that each season has its call.
Perfect principle of a leader, life your reveal to me, is knowing that the next second is a fluid as he has never seen, and that it has to be construed with its own uniqueness and peculiarity, but that this has to be done with a consistency of heart. Such is the simplicity of the paradox of what is right.
But then, this would mean, that perhaps the truest measure of ourselves is ourselves. For how will men, who are susceptible, no, who do not have a choice most of the time but to believe what they see or hear, know your heart.
So then, if we need a better of ourselves, we have to daily struggle to question our hearts. To implore our conscience and judgment to life. To live others. To forget self. To believe in the discomfort of our own judgment.
I feel that I should not proceed, indeed, the 8th conversation is just by. So I Stop. Just like I feared, for the first time without a conclusion. May be, it is time for another pursuit of lessons